Open up your mind and see like me....

You never really have the chance to realize how many people around you are seeing and feeling similarly to what you are...

Days are passing and I am facing the things I have feared through every step I take. The anger still exists strongly. The fear of aggression still lingers. Figuring out how to make myself happy is still a challenge. I've learned to work with these and to direct them in ways that make me feel less afraid.

Today I spent a lot of time reconnecting with Rhode Island friends. I really love them. I've really realized the anger stems from the fact that I directed 100% of my energy, love, and compassion to the one person whom did everything they could to hurt me. So, I am investing it differently this time. :) I love so many people in my life so much and it felt amazing to give some love to everyone. I've never felt so amazingly.

I guess I've realized that, even though making myself happy is easy by principle, doing it is exhausting. It's not a bad thing. There are just days where it's easier to ignore it and be lazy. Today was that day. I think considering, I did a pretty good job of beating the laziness. Maybe this is why so many people become depressed. I think there becomes a point in which they are so exhausted from hardships that at the end of the day they don't have the energy to recover and make themselves happy (or maybe they don't know how). Next time I have a day that is lazy like today, maybe I'll make a list of the things that make me happy and pick at least 2 that I will make myself do. :) I think that'll really make a difference and help me not get into a funk.

Life has rough roads, but maybe our ability to adventure through them is the exciting stuff.

The past has vanished.
Everything that was uttered belongs there.
Now is the time to speak of new things.

- Rumi

It's 2012. If the world doesn't end, I will be unstoppable.

"When people say to take a deep breath when you're stressed out, they actually do it all wrong. The relaxation comes from the breath out. So, you can do that first."-My lovely friend Johann

It's 2012 and I spent two years making bad decisions. As always, I am sure there is a damn good reason for this. I already know so many things I've gotten out of this and they were life lessons I NEEDED to learn. So, maybe those were the damn good reasons.

There is already a part of me that is starting to feel like Julie again. I finally have the freedom to appreciate and love myself again. I have these tiny moments where that fire lights under my ass again. As soon as this passes, I can make use of this fire.

Seriously though...

I guess I really don't know what to say. What do I feel? I feel so scared that there's a possibility of destroying the housing situation of the people I love and hold so close to my heart. Yuina and Eric mean the world to me. Seeing them hurt and stressed makes me feel so deeply sad. They mean so much to me.

I feel depressed about the relationships that I have hurt with people I care dearly about along the way. I truly hope to repair them.

I also feel so infuriated. You know, I don't think in twenty-five years I have truly felt hate. I suppose I have never had someone try to hurt me. Surely I have had people not particularly care to make me happy. However, that's very different than this. Now there is so much hate in both directions. I used to always say, "I don't hate you. I just acknowledge the differences that make us incapable of enjoyable interaction." Maybe that was too boldly naive.

I also feel free. Am I scared to love the way I always know how? Damn strait! Am I capable of letting it get in the way of loving? Never. I guess I feel like closing up from that fear doesn't make you capable of the things you could change or experience otherwise.

What am I going to do with 2012 now? Win at grad school and living with my best friends, buy a ukulele, enjoy the outdoors and live with the intense passion for life that scares people. :) What else have I got? I don't need anything more than this.

“My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through.”
― Russell Brand

Physics grad school in a nutshell....Now if you could only see what my brain looked like...

Finals are nearing and I have never been so scared in my life...Who knew a subject about things so small could be so big and scary? #ahhhQuantumMechanicsgradclass

Journal 8

Journal 7 part 2

journal 7 part 1

Journal 6