12. Stop chasing what’s not working.

Two days ago I woke up and it was fall. The air was crisp and cold. The seasons have changed and another summer, thus another segment of my life has passed. Summer is my the heart of my life. It's the moment in time that keeps the blood pumping through my veins and my spirit high. Its memories keep me motivated and pushing through every moment until the next summer arrives :) Now, it's time to push through that point.

Lots of things going on. Had a good beer with a few grad students on Thursday after class. After Dr. Lea's class we managed to talk just long enough to convince each of us that ditching classes for the rest of the day was the best choice. So, we went to the campus pub and had a drink with our lunches.  Man, it was a good day. I finally made some grad school friends. Alex and Ivo are great. I also had a chance to meet some other grad students Ivo knows. We passed around some good stories through a pitcher of a few beers. I think this means I'm finally starting to fit into my grad school skin!

Anyway, I had this instant flashback of the times Kyle, Mike, Alex, nick, Will, Zeyneb and the rest of the 1st years used to go to the campus pub at Brown. Man, I felt like I was finally feeling some sense of community. I am really hopeful for the future and what kind of fun this years class can bring. :) I sure do miss my grad class of friends from Brown. I sure think about Alex, Mike, Nick, and Kyle a lot. Those guys are a great group.

After beer I really realized something...All those years as an undergrad I was friends with people from the gymnastics club. I had some awesome friends in physics, but I think I spent most my time with the gymnastics people, as I felt we had more in common. However, maybe I am really finally so motivated in my field and have grown so directed in new things that I may not be able to relate to that new group there as well. Before this chapter, I really enjoyed parties. I loved going out, because I loved feeling connected to my generation and their ability to not worry about tomorrow. I loved feeling socially connected and successful. I loved working out, because I loved being in shape. I did school, because I knew someday that I would want something more. Now? Now is different. I love adventuring. I love exploring the world instead of going out drinking, because I want to feel connected with the world and every different chance at life. I want to hike and find every beautiful wonder of the world, because I want to understand natural beauty and how powerful something natural can be. I love gymnastics, because I love feeling my body. I love being so in tune to it that I can explore movements I haven't ever before. And, I am studying in school, because I finally want something more.

The truth about some of my friends is that they do drugs and come home and talk about how it was life changing and made them feel so alive.

ummmmmmmmmm........

I can't imagine how something can change your life and make you feel so alive even though you know it's just a chemical thats sole purpose is to distort reality. I guess I just can't understand something that seems so backward. To me the things that are life changing are so different...Like trying to find a particle in the universe that is the sole reason our solar system, galaxy, and universe behaves the way it does...or traveling into space, or hiking 2 miles in the pitch black to see lava flow effortlessly into the ocean with my bare eyes, or to have a beer at the base of the Canadian rockies with my best friend. Eh, well.. I suppose these kinds of experiences are not much of a thing for younger generations these days. Anyway, my ability to survive socially is suffering from this severe clash.

Anyway, I'd like to continue this, but my goal is to study lots. I'm still lost and desperately searching for some sort of companionship that I can deeply relate to. Something that makes me feel less self conscious about the things I am passionate about and the way I am...Something that makes me feel less obsessive about wanting to sensor myself and who I am. I do know some new people that I've been trying to get to know a bit more. So, I'll stay hopeful. As for now, I am going to drag myself off to do some sleepy-like studying.

Lastly, I found my old livejournal from most of my life:  http://skankleupegus.livejournal.com

I think most of it is friends only. I figured I would link them though. Anyway, I'll leave with this great quote I saw today...

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. -Unknown