12. Stop chasing what’s not working.

Two days ago I woke up and it was fall. The air was crisp and cold. The seasons have changed and another summer, thus another segment of my life has passed. Summer is my the heart of my life. It's the moment in time that keeps the blood pumping through my veins and my spirit high. Its memories keep me motivated and pushing through every moment until the next summer arrives :) Now, it's time to push through that point.

Lots of things going on. Had a good beer with a few grad students on Thursday after class. After Dr. Lea's class we managed to talk just long enough to convince each of us that ditching classes for the rest of the day was the best choice. So, we went to the campus pub and had a drink with our lunches.  Man, it was a good day. I finally made some grad school friends. Alex and Ivo are great. I also had a chance to meet some other grad students Ivo knows. We passed around some good stories through a pitcher of a few beers. I think this means I'm finally starting to fit into my grad school skin!

Anyway, I had this instant flashback of the times Kyle, Mike, Alex, nick, Will, Zeyneb and the rest of the 1st years used to go to the campus pub at Brown. Man, I felt like I was finally feeling some sense of community. I am really hopeful for the future and what kind of fun this years class can bring. :) I sure do miss my grad class of friends from Brown. I sure think about Alex, Mike, Nick, and Kyle a lot. Those guys are a great group.

After beer I really realized something...All those years as an undergrad I was friends with people from the gymnastics club. I had some awesome friends in physics, but I think I spent most my time with the gymnastics people, as I felt we had more in common. However, maybe I am really finally so motivated in my field and have grown so directed in new things that I may not be able to relate to that new group there as well. Before this chapter, I really enjoyed parties. I loved going out, because I loved feeling connected to my generation and their ability to not worry about tomorrow. I loved feeling socially connected and successful. I loved working out, because I loved being in shape. I did school, because I knew someday that I would want something more. Now? Now is different. I love adventuring. I love exploring the world instead of going out drinking, because I want to feel connected with the world and every different chance at life. I want to hike and find every beautiful wonder of the world, because I want to understand natural beauty and how powerful something natural can be. I love gymnastics, because I love feeling my body. I love being so in tune to it that I can explore movements I haven't ever before. And, I am studying in school, because I finally want something more.

The truth about some of my friends is that they do drugs and come home and talk about how it was life changing and made them feel so alive.

ummmmmmmmmm........

I can't imagine how something can change your life and make you feel so alive even though you know it's just a chemical thats sole purpose is to distort reality. I guess I just can't understand something that seems so backward. To me the things that are life changing are so different...Like trying to find a particle in the universe that is the sole reason our solar system, galaxy, and universe behaves the way it does...or traveling into space, or hiking 2 miles in the pitch black to see lava flow effortlessly into the ocean with my bare eyes, or to have a beer at the base of the Canadian rockies with my best friend. Eh, well.. I suppose these kinds of experiences are not much of a thing for younger generations these days. Anyway, my ability to survive socially is suffering from this severe clash.

Anyway, I'd like to continue this, but my goal is to study lots. I'm still lost and desperately searching for some sort of companionship that I can deeply relate to. Something that makes me feel less self conscious about the things I am passionate about and the way I am...Something that makes me feel less obsessive about wanting to sensor myself and who I am. I do know some new people that I've been trying to get to know a bit more. So, I'll stay hopeful. As for now, I am going to drag myself off to do some sleepy-like studying.

Lastly, I found my old livejournal from most of my life:  http://skankleupegus.livejournal.com

I think most of it is friends only. I figured I would link them though. Anyway, I'll leave with this great quote I saw today...

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. -Unknown

Another chapter

Okay, it's been about a decade later. I know. Lots has changed. Grad school in the bay area is going well and I got a new job. Switching groups sure got things off to a good start. Otherwise, I'd say things are fairly normal. Still a bit of an uphill battle in life, I suppose. Everything in school, work, gymnastics, my relationship, and studies is going fairly well. However, my friendships on the other hand... Well, we can just say the world is a crazy place...

I can't yet decide if the odd suffering is from me getting older and more intollerant of the inability to function at tasks with the mental capacity above that of a 5 year old, or if it's that the people existing in this period of my life suck more than the ones in the last chapter. Regardless, it's filled all sorts of joys. I can say we've hit a point where my desire to either take a nap, or read a text book is significantly larger than my desire to go out. 

Now, you'd think that this may be fairly conducive for my studying. Unfortunately, instead it's cause me to fall into a state of constant frustration and a complete inability to function socially with any sort of interest. I find myself forcefully acting like I have something to say, or if all else fails, pretend to have interest in listening. Instead I feel like a lifeless coffee dumpster with a constant blank look of confusion on people's inability to be socially considerate

 tipped with daily spurts of angry confusion. How is it possible someone thinks it's okay to say that? Wait, did you really just do that? CAN'T ANYBODY SEE HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL YOU ARE? I feel like I am the only one who sees that the way some of these individuals are acting is really inappropriate.

The newest addition to the frustration is the gymnastics club. A place filled with a good fraction of children and princesses might be the best way it's described. Okay, but really. There are some wonderful people. However...a few rough seeds. There are about eleven of us that "run it". However, in the last month only three have done anything at all. This goes from working a single fundraiser to even working their opening shift. The last few times we've come up short on people to work our fundraiser, I've had to leave tutoring early to come save it. Where was everyone else? Two were at a party, another was out drinking, one was in SF with a buddy, etc.

Is there some sort of thing I've missed? Is the term volunteer now synonymous with "come if you fucking feel like it, but not if you'd rather be somewhere else"? So, I had the bright idea to confront it when, after bailing on several shifts and all the fundraisers, people tried to say they can't make an officer's meeting on a Sunday. I told everyone that I was feeling overworked and needed a break. Patrick was kind enough to send out a mass message calling me "obnoxious".

Clearly my work is appreciated. If you aren't here to help this place run, then clearly I don't understand why you'd care to have a position running the club... No one seems to complain that we have tons of bodies to take up spots and serve no other function.

Talked to my lovely mother today. She reassured me this is just another interesting point that will come to pass. She gave me her lovely words from the wise and the rest of my night came to pass. Here's hoping for just a few more positive changes in life.(and soon)

Until then, I really enjoyed this article:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10387/25-things-happy-people-do-differently.html

It's my bible for now. It'll be some work, but I am up for the challenge. Until next time, enjoy!