Open up your plans and damn you're free.

It's really interesting. After I freed myself from this situation, I am definitely not the same person I was even before this. I guess I got so tired about caring all of the time. Now, I just stopped caring about some of the things I used to put so much conservative energy on.

The important thing to me is that I am happy. Good thing is, I really am happy. I haven't been this happy further back than I can remember. I feel great! Problem? Everyone is fucking freaking out. The things I stopped caring so much about are making my friends think I am completely falling apart. They are seeing me act totally carefree about things I was usually a little more uptight about and they think it's some sort of emotional instability. So, I have now had about six of my friends either say something totally snarky, or strait up sit me down and be like, "we know you are hurting but..." No seriously guys, I am great. What should matter most of all is that I am honestly happy and healthy. I am more so than I was in the last four years. I know I usually doo doo my pants over going out for happy hour instead of going to gymnastics for the 6th night in a row, or I usually want a deep and serious relationship with someone of the male gender, but now that I skipped gym for Celia's happy hour with the other 1st years and have been making commentary on the attractiveness of men it does not mean I am a partier that will fail out of school, or that I am looking desperately for another relationship. Shit, guys. Relax. It's making me exhausted.

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." ~ Artistotle

I care about nice people and you care about nice things. That's how we ended up where we are now. Looks like we're both happy now. Good luck with your nice things and I hope for the best with me and my friends.

Ok, I know it sounds bitchy. It's really interesting how true it is. Why do I randomly bring this up? Well, I'm not angry or annoyed. I just saw that he moved into a nice, fancy new apartment in SF with money he doesn't have. It made me think about how that's all he ever wanted. Then it made me think about what I want. I think all I've ever wanted was to be crammed in a decently shitty, but workable apartment with my closest friends. Instead of a fancy apartment with a balcony view to drink wine on, I wanted a crappy roof you could sneak up onto. It would have gravel on it so that when we wanted to have pancakes up there we'd have to put a blanket down. It would have an amazing view of the bay and nothing more. Instead of being around a bunch of wealthy, famous or important people with fancy cars, we'd be able to walk a block away and be at the farmer's market or be a bike ride away from Indian Rock. Best of all, instead of having a fancy room and no one to bother me in it, I wouldn't be able to avoid seeing my best friends unless I asked them to scram. :)

Why so I say that we're both happy? Well, I have exactly that. I have a loft above my head with Yuina snoring above. I have Eric and Manou so close that I can hear Eric snore. Manou has a wonderful boyfriend that come over with her and he continues the train of good company. There's a 4th floor to our apartment that's just an open door to a flat roof. The gravel exists, but so do the pancake breakfasts :) The Thursday farmer's market is one block away and I could practically sneeze and be at Indian Rock.

You never cared about the things I cared about. Worst of all, these were the things that meant the most to me. So, you and I would never work. It's good though. We'll both be happier being around the things that make us enjoy waking up every morning, no matter what they are.

Open up your mind and see like me....

You never really have the chance to realize how many people around you are seeing and feeling similarly to what you are...

Days are passing and I am facing the things I have feared through every step I take. The anger still exists strongly. The fear of aggression still lingers. Figuring out how to make myself happy is still a challenge. I've learned to work with these and to direct them in ways that make me feel less afraid.

Today I spent a lot of time reconnecting with Rhode Island friends. I really love them. I've really realized the anger stems from the fact that I directed 100% of my energy, love, and compassion to the one person whom did everything they could to hurt me. So, I am investing it differently this time. :) I love so many people in my life so much and it felt amazing to give some love to everyone. I've never felt so amazingly.

I guess I've realized that, even though making myself happy is easy by principle, doing it is exhausting. It's not a bad thing. There are just days where it's easier to ignore it and be lazy. Today was that day. I think considering, I did a pretty good job of beating the laziness. Maybe this is why so many people become depressed. I think there becomes a point in which they are so exhausted from hardships that at the end of the day they don't have the energy to recover and make themselves happy (or maybe they don't know how). Next time I have a day that is lazy like today, maybe I'll make a list of the things that make me happy and pick at least 2 that I will make myself do. :) I think that'll really make a difference and help me not get into a funk.

Life has rough roads, but maybe our ability to adventure through them is the exciting stuff.

The past has vanished.
Everything that was uttered belongs there.
Now is the time to speak of new things.

- Rumi

It's 2012. If the world doesn't end, I will be unstoppable.

"When people say to take a deep breath when you're stressed out, they actually do it all wrong. The relaxation comes from the breath out. So, you can do that first."-My lovely friend Johann

It's 2012 and I spent two years making bad decisions. As always, I am sure there is a damn good reason for this. I already know so many things I've gotten out of this and they were life lessons I NEEDED to learn. So, maybe those were the damn good reasons.

There is already a part of me that is starting to feel like Julie again. I finally have the freedom to appreciate and love myself again. I have these tiny moments where that fire lights under my ass again. As soon as this passes, I can make use of this fire.

Seriously though...

I guess I really don't know what to say. What do I feel? I feel so scared that there's a possibility of destroying the housing situation of the people I love and hold so close to my heart. Yuina and Eric mean the world to me. Seeing them hurt and stressed makes me feel so deeply sad. They mean so much to me.

I feel depressed about the relationships that I have hurt with people I care dearly about along the way. I truly hope to repair them.

I also feel so infuriated. You know, I don't think in twenty-five years I have truly felt hate. I suppose I have never had someone try to hurt me. Surely I have had people not particularly care to make me happy. However, that's very different than this. Now there is so much hate in both directions. I used to always say, "I don't hate you. I just acknowledge the differences that make us incapable of enjoyable interaction." Maybe that was too boldly naive.

I also feel free. Am I scared to love the way I always know how? Damn strait! Am I capable of letting it get in the way of loving? Never. I guess I feel like closing up from that fear doesn't make you capable of the things you could change or experience otherwise.

What am I going to do with 2012 now? Win at grad school and living with my best friends, buy a ukulele, enjoy the outdoors and live with the intense passion for life that scares people. :) What else have I got? I don't need anything more than this.

“My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through.”
― Russell Brand