12. Stop chasing what’s not working.

Two days ago I woke up and it was fall. The air was crisp and cold. The seasons have changed and another summer, thus another segment of my life has passed. Summer is my the heart of my life. It's the moment in time that keeps the blood pumping through my veins and my spirit high. Its memories keep me motivated and pushing through every moment until the next summer arrives :) Now, it's time to push through that point.

Lots of things going on. Had a good beer with a few grad students on Thursday after class. After Dr. Lea's class we managed to talk just long enough to convince each of us that ditching classes for the rest of the day was the best choice. So, we went to the campus pub and had a drink with our lunches.  Man, it was a good day. I finally made some grad school friends. Alex and Ivo are great. I also had a chance to meet some other grad students Ivo knows. We passed around some good stories through a pitcher of a few beers. I think this means I'm finally starting to fit into my grad school skin!

Anyway, I had this instant flashback of the times Kyle, Mike, Alex, nick, Will, Zeyneb and the rest of the 1st years used to go to the campus pub at Brown. Man, I felt like I was finally feeling some sense of community. I am really hopeful for the future and what kind of fun this years class can bring. :) I sure do miss my grad class of friends from Brown. I sure think about Alex, Mike, Nick, and Kyle a lot. Those guys are a great group.

After beer I really realized something...All those years as an undergrad I was friends with people from the gymnastics club. I had some awesome friends in physics, but I think I spent most my time with the gymnastics people, as I felt we had more in common. However, maybe I am really finally so motivated in my field and have grown so directed in new things that I may not be able to relate to that new group there as well. Before this chapter, I really enjoyed parties. I loved going out, because I loved feeling connected to my generation and their ability to not worry about tomorrow. I loved feeling socially connected and successful. I loved working out, because I loved being in shape. I did school, because I knew someday that I would want something more. Now? Now is different. I love adventuring. I love exploring the world instead of going out drinking, because I want to feel connected with the world and every different chance at life. I want to hike and find every beautiful wonder of the world, because I want to understand natural beauty and how powerful something natural can be. I love gymnastics, because I love feeling my body. I love being so in tune to it that I can explore movements I haven't ever before. And, I am studying in school, because I finally want something more.

The truth about some of my friends is that they do drugs and come home and talk about how it was life changing and made them feel so alive.

ummmmmmmmmm........

I can't imagine how something can change your life and make you feel so alive even though you know it's just a chemical thats sole purpose is to distort reality. I guess I just can't understand something that seems so backward. To me the things that are life changing are so different...Like trying to find a particle in the universe that is the sole reason our solar system, galaxy, and universe behaves the way it does...or traveling into space, or hiking 2 miles in the pitch black to see lava flow effortlessly into the ocean with my bare eyes, or to have a beer at the base of the Canadian rockies with my best friend. Eh, well.. I suppose these kinds of experiences are not much of a thing for younger generations these days. Anyway, my ability to survive socially is suffering from this severe clash.

Anyway, I'd like to continue this, but my goal is to study lots. I'm still lost and desperately searching for some sort of companionship that I can deeply relate to. Something that makes me feel less self conscious about the things I am passionate about and the way I am...Something that makes me feel less obsessive about wanting to sensor myself and who I am. I do know some new people that I've been trying to get to know a bit more. So, I'll stay hopeful. As for now, I am going to drag myself off to do some sleepy-like studying.

Lastly, I found my old livejournal from most of my life:  http://skankleupegus.livejournal.com

I think most of it is friends only. I figured I would link them though. Anyway, I'll leave with this great quote I saw today...

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. -Unknown

Another chapter

Okay, it's been about a decade later. I know. Lots has changed. Grad school in the bay area is going well and I got a new job. Switching groups sure got things off to a good start. Otherwise, I'd say things are fairly normal. Still a bit of an uphill battle in life, I suppose. Everything in school, work, gymnastics, my relationship, and studies is going fairly well. However, my friendships on the other hand... Well, we can just say the world is a crazy place...

I can't yet decide if the odd suffering is from me getting older and more intollerant of the inability to function at tasks with the mental capacity above that of a 5 year old, or if it's that the people existing in this period of my life suck more than the ones in the last chapter. Regardless, it's filled all sorts of joys. I can say we've hit a point where my desire to either take a nap, or read a text book is significantly larger than my desire to go out. 

Now, you'd think that this may be fairly conducive for my studying. Unfortunately, instead it's cause me to fall into a state of constant frustration and a complete inability to function socially with any sort of interest. I find myself forcefully acting like I have something to say, or if all else fails, pretend to have interest in listening. Instead I feel like a lifeless coffee dumpster with a constant blank look of confusion on people's inability to be socially considerate

 tipped with daily spurts of angry confusion. How is it possible someone thinks it's okay to say that? Wait, did you really just do that? CAN'T ANYBODY SEE HOW DYSFUNCTIONAL YOU ARE? I feel like I am the only one who sees that the way some of these individuals are acting is really inappropriate.

The newest addition to the frustration is the gymnastics club. A place filled with a good fraction of children and princesses might be the best way it's described. Okay, but really. There are some wonderful people. However...a few rough seeds. There are about eleven of us that "run it". However, in the last month only three have done anything at all. This goes from working a single fundraiser to even working their opening shift. The last few times we've come up short on people to work our fundraiser, I've had to leave tutoring early to come save it. Where was everyone else? Two were at a party, another was out drinking, one was in SF with a buddy, etc.

Is there some sort of thing I've missed? Is the term volunteer now synonymous with "come if you fucking feel like it, but not if you'd rather be somewhere else"? So, I had the bright idea to confront it when, after bailing on several shifts and all the fundraisers, people tried to say they can't make an officer's meeting on a Sunday. I told everyone that I was feeling overworked and needed a break. Patrick was kind enough to send out a mass message calling me "obnoxious".

Clearly my work is appreciated. If you aren't here to help this place run, then clearly I don't understand why you'd care to have a position running the club... No one seems to complain that we have tons of bodies to take up spots and serve no other function.

Talked to my lovely mother today. She reassured me this is just another interesting point that will come to pass. She gave me her lovely words from the wise and the rest of my night came to pass. Here's hoping for just a few more positive changes in life.(and soon)

Until then, I really enjoyed this article:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10387/25-things-happy-people-do-differently.html

It's my bible for now. It'll be some work, but I am up for the challenge. Until next time, enjoy!

"If you never try you never know just what you're worth."

Maybe with regards to the last post... Breaking up with Rob is the best thing I have ever done.

"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you." -Coldplay

You know that you have amazing friends and very wonderfully healthy relationships with them when you can year their voices in your head before you even need to tell them your thoughts, happinesses, and worries. :)

This above all: To thine own self be true.- Hamlet

Finals time. I'm having the hardest time pushing through. I've been doing so much and I am exhausted. It'll be done tomorrow. Thank god.

Anyway, just got an apartment with Erin :) I'm pretty stoked. Hopefully staying here is going to workout ( I know...I owe some phone calls)! So, with that said, I've made a decision on my future. I've avoided announcing it just yet, because I still haven't been given the final word back from the people that make the final decision. It's going to feel somewhat like a step back. However, I can really see that if I don't make this small step back, I will never make it as far forward as I am hoping and dreaming to. Sometimes, you've got to leap.

I'm very hopeful now. Things are really looking like they are moving in a beautiful direction. This summer will be perfect to prepare me for what I've set up (no matter what option ends up getting thrown at me--Brown or the Bay--and yes, it's still up in the air. They need to decide now :) I made my call. They just need to approve.). 

Anyway,  I was playing around on facebook and someone posted this tumblr about sororities and frats. That, in combination with all of the skeezy anoncon stuff, made my head explode. It's so demotivating to see how sad people are...I would like to believe that sexuality was once a beautiful thing. Now it just seems to be something we solicit.... So much beauty lost in the process... Maybe if all else fails, I can become some sort of monk, or something.

Seriously though, people are really like this?

Maybe I do want to study now...

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

Wait, so today isn't Friday the 13th? So, today was just naturally this stupid? Damn it!

This ridiculousness is exhausting me.
So, now it is definitely time for a good old rant.

I've made this new goal of using animated gifs every time I want to post something. I feel like it makes this stuff exponentially more amusing.

So, life has been hard. Duh. Sill trying to figure it out. I'm not quite sure what i'll be doing yet. I just wish the other elements in my life would simplify. So much unnecessary extra difficulty. Ugh. First, I am so tired of going out of my way for people. I go seriously out of my way for a lot of the people in my life and they are totally unappreciative. It's really a bummer that I spend so much energy on doing these things and instead I am treated like this after.

Second, I've been really trying hard to find happiness. I just can't help but feel that I need out of this place, position, and/or point of my life in order to be happy. So, I am trying my best to work on things in me. I think changing my outlook would really benefit me. I feel like it would really help this depression wave turn around. However, it's really hard when everyone around me has such a negative outlook and self-image. I can't quite find a way to break through it. On that note, I really enjoyed this article: http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

Lastly, I know I've been much different lately. I think this has left people with a really bizarre image of me. This is especially true for new people in my life. However, I am so disappointed to see how many people assume such negative things. It's really a sad outlook. I just keep trying my best to not care about this perturbed and distorted image.

I've just really been having a hard time being extraordinarily careful about how the things I do will look. I really think it's not a bad thing either. I truly hoped it would help draw in people whom could easily judge a situation, place, or person, but don't. I find fascination and deep respect for people whom go against the norm and are deeply open-minded. Being around that would be such a positively influential experience. I guess, I just feel like I have enough exhausting elements of my life and would love some enlightening ones. I guess I just have to live my life with the wise words of sir Dr. Seuss.

"Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."-Dr. Seuss.

I give up.

Are you serious?

I give up.

This is fucking absurd.

Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

times seem to always be getting rougher

Someday there will be someone whom is honored to give me a Ph.D, happy about having me as a researcher, motivated to have me as a professor, proud to have me as their girlfriend, excited about treating me highly respectably, and unselfish enough to not hurt me. I can only hope it's in this lifetime.

Stats...

Get it? I chose U Pikachu? Stats jokes...har har. Maybe Statistical Mechanics is getting to me...

Look around your world pretty baby. Is it everything you hoped it would be?

Julie? Different? Har har. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought. ;)

The only difference? I am unstoppable.

Ok, but seriously. Things are okay. I am getting back on track in life. I know what I need, but my heart is a strong fucker. If it wants something that isn't what I need, it sure is a battle. I just need to focus my heart on the right things.

On another note, I've been really trying to neglect the future. I really fear how undetermined it is. Today I remembered my Berkeley versus Brown dilemma and that things are going to start unfolding soon. I fear it so much. I don't know how to unremember that time it almost up for answers. Maybe the distractions that I am randomly passionate about are a good thing.

Cross your fingers, pray for me, or do whatever it is you do to make things lucky.

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me. I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me. Be kind to me, or treat me mean. I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."-Fiona Apple

Open up your plans and damn you're free.

It's really interesting. After I freed myself from this situation, I am definitely not the same person I was even before this. I guess I got so tired about caring all of the time. Now, I just stopped caring about some of the things I used to put so much conservative energy on.

The important thing to me is that I am happy. Good thing is, I really am happy. I haven't been this happy further back than I can remember. I feel great! Problem? Everyone is fucking freaking out. The things I stopped caring so much about are making my friends think I am completely falling apart. They are seeing me act totally carefree about things I was usually a little more uptight about and they think it's some sort of emotional instability. So, I have now had about six of my friends either say something totally snarky, or strait up sit me down and be like, "we know you are hurting but..." No seriously guys, I am great. What should matter most of all is that I am honestly happy and healthy. I am more so than I was in the last four years. I know I usually doo doo my pants over going out for happy hour instead of going to gymnastics for the 6th night in a row, or I usually want a deep and serious relationship with someone of the male gender, but now that I skipped gym for Celia's happy hour with the other 1st years and have been making commentary on the attractiveness of men it does not mean I am a partier that will fail out of school, or that I am looking desperately for another relationship. Shit, guys. Relax. It's making me exhausted.

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." ~ Artistotle

I care about nice people and you care about nice things. That's how we ended up where we are now. Looks like we're both happy now. Good luck with your nice things and I hope for the best with me and my friends.

Ok, I know it sounds bitchy. It's really interesting how true it is. Why do I randomly bring this up? Well, I'm not angry or annoyed. I just saw that he moved into a nice, fancy new apartment in SF with money he doesn't have. It made me think about how that's all he ever wanted. Then it made me think about what I want. I think all I've ever wanted was to be crammed in a decently shitty, but workable apartment with my closest friends. Instead of a fancy apartment with a balcony view to drink wine on, I wanted a crappy roof you could sneak up onto. It would have gravel on it so that when we wanted to have pancakes up there we'd have to put a blanket down. It would have an amazing view of the bay and nothing more. Instead of being around a bunch of wealthy, famous or important people with fancy cars, we'd be able to walk a block away and be at the farmer's market or be a bike ride away from Indian Rock. Best of all, instead of having a fancy room and no one to bother me in it, I wouldn't be able to avoid seeing my best friends unless I asked them to scram. :)

Why so I say that we're both happy? Well, I have exactly that. I have a loft above my head with Yuina snoring above. I have Eric and Manou so close that I can hear Eric snore. Manou has a wonderful boyfriend that come over with her and he continues the train of good company. There's a 4th floor to our apartment that's just an open door to a flat roof. The gravel exists, but so do the pancake breakfasts :) The Thursday farmer's market is one block away and I could practically sneeze and be at Indian Rock.

You never cared about the things I cared about. Worst of all, these were the things that meant the most to me. So, you and I would never work. It's good though. We'll both be happier being around the things that make us enjoy waking up every morning, no matter what they are.

Open up your mind and see like me....

You never really have the chance to realize how many people around you are seeing and feeling similarly to what you are...

Days are passing and I am facing the things I have feared through every step I take. The anger still exists strongly. The fear of aggression still lingers. Figuring out how to make myself happy is still a challenge. I've learned to work with these and to direct them in ways that make me feel less afraid.

Today I spent a lot of time reconnecting with Rhode Island friends. I really love them. I've really realized the anger stems from the fact that I directed 100% of my energy, love, and compassion to the one person whom did everything they could to hurt me. So, I am investing it differently this time. :) I love so many people in my life so much and it felt amazing to give some love to everyone. I've never felt so amazingly.

I guess I've realized that, even though making myself happy is easy by principle, doing it is exhausting. It's not a bad thing. There are just days where it's easier to ignore it and be lazy. Today was that day. I think considering, I did a pretty good job of beating the laziness. Maybe this is why so many people become depressed. I think there becomes a point in which they are so exhausted from hardships that at the end of the day they don't have the energy to recover and make themselves happy (or maybe they don't know how). Next time I have a day that is lazy like today, maybe I'll make a list of the things that make me happy and pick at least 2 that I will make myself do. :) I think that'll really make a difference and help me not get into a funk.

Life has rough roads, but maybe our ability to adventure through them is the exciting stuff.

The past has vanished.
Everything that was uttered belongs there.
Now is the time to speak of new things.

- Rumi

It's 2012. If the world doesn't end, I will be unstoppable.

"When people say to take a deep breath when you're stressed out, they actually do it all wrong. The relaxation comes from the breath out. So, you can do that first."-My lovely friend Johann

It's 2012 and I spent two years making bad decisions. As always, I am sure there is a damn good reason for this. I already know so many things I've gotten out of this and they were life lessons I NEEDED to learn. So, maybe those were the damn good reasons.

There is already a part of me that is starting to feel like Julie again. I finally have the freedom to appreciate and love myself again. I have these tiny moments where that fire lights under my ass again. As soon as this passes, I can make use of this fire.

Seriously though...

I guess I really don't know what to say. What do I feel? I feel so scared that there's a possibility of destroying the housing situation of the people I love and hold so close to my heart. Yuina and Eric mean the world to me. Seeing them hurt and stressed makes me feel so deeply sad. They mean so much to me.

I feel depressed about the relationships that I have hurt with people I care dearly about along the way. I truly hope to repair them.

I also feel so infuriated. You know, I don't think in twenty-five years I have truly felt hate. I suppose I have never had someone try to hurt me. Surely I have had people not particularly care to make me happy. However, that's very different than this. Now there is so much hate in both directions. I used to always say, "I don't hate you. I just acknowledge the differences that make us incapable of enjoyable interaction." Maybe that was too boldly naive.

I also feel free. Am I scared to love the way I always know how? Damn strait! Am I capable of letting it get in the way of loving? Never. I guess I feel like closing up from that fear doesn't make you capable of the things you could change or experience otherwise.

What am I going to do with 2012 now? Win at grad school and living with my best friends, buy a ukulele, enjoy the outdoors and live with the intense passion for life that scares people. :) What else have I got? I don't need anything more than this.

“My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through.”
― Russell Brand

Physics grad school in a nutshell....Now if you could only see what my brain looked like...

Finals are nearing and I have never been so scared in my life...Who knew a subject about things so small could be so big and scary? #ahhhQuantumMechanicsgradclass

Journal 8

Journal 7 part 2

journal 7 part 1

Journal 6