It's 2012. If the world doesn't end, I will be unstoppable.

"When people say to take a deep breath when you're stressed out, they actually do it all wrong. The relaxation comes from the breath out. So, you can do that first."-My lovely friend Johann

It's 2012 and I spent two years making bad decisions. As always, I am sure there is a damn good reason for this. I already know so many things I've gotten out of this and they were life lessons I NEEDED to learn. So, maybe those were the damn good reasons.

There is already a part of me that is starting to feel like Julie again. I finally have the freedom to appreciate and love myself again. I have these tiny moments where that fire lights under my ass again. As soon as this passes, I can make use of this fire.

Seriously though...

I guess I really don't know what to say. What do I feel? I feel so scared that there's a possibility of destroying the housing situation of the people I love and hold so close to my heart. Yuina and Eric mean the world to me. Seeing them hurt and stressed makes me feel so deeply sad. They mean so much to me.

I feel depressed about the relationships that I have hurt with people I care dearly about along the way. I truly hope to repair them.

I also feel so infuriated. You know, I don't think in twenty-five years I have truly felt hate. I suppose I have never had someone try to hurt me. Surely I have had people not particularly care to make me happy. However, that's very different than this. Now there is so much hate in both directions. I used to always say, "I don't hate you. I just acknowledge the differences that make us incapable of enjoyable interaction." Maybe that was too boldly naive.

I also feel free. Am I scared to love the way I always know how? Damn strait! Am I capable of letting it get in the way of loving? Never. I guess I feel like closing up from that fear doesn't make you capable of the things you could change or experience otherwise.

What am I going to do with 2012 now? Win at grad school and living with my best friends, buy a ukulele, enjoy the outdoors and live with the intense passion for life that scares people. :) What else have I got? I don't need anything more than this.

“My dad's philosophy was (and I think still is) that life is a malevolent force, which seeks to destroy you, and you have to struggle with it. Only those who are hard enough will succeed. Most people get crushed, but if you fight, in the end life will go, "Fucking hell. This one's serious. Let him through.”
― Russell Brand